Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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