i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
