I just saw a hot homeless man
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
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