On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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