I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
They have beer where we have blood.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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