The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
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