I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
