Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize