I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
