I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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