I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
