When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize