Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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