I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
