I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Randomize
