fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
