You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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