I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
i think my cat just said my name.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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