Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
