I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
