If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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