he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I did not marry a roomba.
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