The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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