we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
You don't make any sense
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