Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
