I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
