My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
