Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
