I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Randomize
