We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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