Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
When did we convert life to cartoon?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
