Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
