I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Boobs speak an international language.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
