i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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