good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
