I just pynch a tree in the face
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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