I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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