Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
