oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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