Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
We are all done wearing pants today
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
