there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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