I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
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