first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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