So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Randomize
