i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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