Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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