My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
time to smoke my breakfast
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Randomize
