I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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