I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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