I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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