My hand turned me down
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
