Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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