your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
