i don't plan on having that self control this summer
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
