Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I wear drunk well.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
