I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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