I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
