That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
