I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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