My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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