im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Randomize
