Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
