there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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