im drinking this country out of the recession.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
