My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
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Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
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I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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