He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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